Hip Hop 101 for Baby Boomers

My friend Sonya is looking for a young jewish girl to help form some sort of Beastie Girls/Heebs.With.Attitude hybrid. I hate to tell her that the three-rapping-white-girls thing has already been done (albeit wack-ly). If she's going to do it, she's going to need to do it quickly and she's going to have to stress the whole Jewish angle and her West Coastness. That means she should start listening to Zapp like yesterday. And don't fuck around with any conscious, feminist whatnot. When you're done with Zapp move on to Too $hort.

And since I've always wanted to be a rap ghost writer, let me audition with this sample verse about a trip to Israel:

Blowing checkpoints to stiff the Gaza strippers
You best start respecting my game like the L.A. Clippers
No scheckels for you, bitch
Don't gimme "boo hoo", bitch
We're the Jew Crew, bitch
May be fucking rich but we're not exactly big tippers.
'Sides I sat through three songs and you ain't even take off ya slippers
I don't give a fuck what Hamas gonna say, ho
I came to the Holy Land for the ass and the yay-yo