Oscar the Grouch
It's that time of year again. How do I know? Cuz the fucking Academy Awards are fucking with my public transportation. I know you goobers who don't live in Los Angeles think the Oscars are given out at the ballroom of some amazing castle on an island that you can only get to by plane or boat (papparazzi have to swim!). Sadly, that is not the case. In fact the Oscars happen right outside the Hollywood BLVD/Highland AVE subway station across the street from a pizza joint and a tattoo parlor. And for days now the whole fucking street has been taken over to build tents and risers and red carpetry bullshit. My poor little bus wants to zip down Hollywood, hang a louie on Fairfax and zip me home. Instead my bus gets diverted down Highland, sludges through Sunset, and crawls back up to Hollywood before things get back on track. What was a 20 minute leg of 40 minute commute has turned into the 40 minute leg of an hour commute. So to compensate I now get off at Santa Monica and Vermont and take the straightshot all the way down Santa Monica.
Bottom line: I have to spend more time with poor people than I should.
Damn you liberal Hollywood elites!
But you're not here to listen to me bitch about traffic, you're here to hear me bitch about movies. Well let's get to the bitchin':
- I was gonna save it for last, but fuck that. Let's get this over with. Little Miss Sunshine is a terrible fucking movie. It represents the Fully Monty-fication of the American indie-flick movement. It should never have been written, should never have been greenlit, should never have gotten into Sundance, should never have gotten a distributor and all those millions of people who made it a "surprise hit" should never have gone to see it. I got in a few scraps last year over Napoleon Dynamite which I enjoyed and defended from haters. But now that I've seen Nappy D remade the very next year as a cute girl with an entire bus of Quirkbots surrounding her, I get it. Napoleon Dynamite sucked too. If that's what it takes so that this kind of Ironic-Dance-Number-At-The-End shit never sullies the silver screen again, I'm willing to sacrifice the gangly geek who started it all. No more, you fucking hear me Robert Redford? Harvey Wienstein? No fucking more. We're done. Let's pretend it never happened and just move on.
- That said, I kind of hope Lil' Missy wins Best Picture just to see Martin Scorcese cry. Sorry, dude, but The Departed was really not very interesting. It was kinda fun and great cast, yadda yadda, but seriously. Not a big deal. Seriously, microprocessors? To the Chinese? I know I wasn't supposed to be paying attention to that part but couldn't you have come up with something better than that?
- The Last King of Scotland should have been called I Fucked Your Bitch You Fat Motherfucker
- Dreamgirls shouldn't be allowed to say it got nominated for 8 academy awards when 3 of them are all for best song. Nominated for 8 awards means theoretically they can walk away with 8 statues. Sorry, but 2 of those noms are guaranteed losers.
- I get the feeling Ryan Gosling has already recieved his award in the form of a nomination. Same thing happened to Maria Fullofgrace a few years ago.
Lesson: The Academy is full of self-hating cokeheads. - Borat better win Best Adapted Screenplay. Little Children should lose because it was barely an adaptation with its extended narrator voice overs. Borat was movie, Little Children was a book report.
- If Eddie Murphy gets snubbed because of the ubiquity of his Norbit ads, I bet nobody's gonna give me the credit I deserve! Eddie, my man, I feel your pain. Let me buy you a drink and you can introduce me to your brother Charlie, cuz that dude is hilarious!
posted by E at 12:45 PM
8 Comments:
I kinda liked Little Miss Sunshine....I thought it was an adequate portrait of modern familial dysfuntion with well rounded charcters and a good heart....it started edgy and ended up sappy. SADGY, it was.
Chris, I "kinda liked" LMS too. Does that mean it should be anywhere near the Best Picture statuette? Fuck no. It was mediocre, derivative and banal. It was a non-great movie. It is loitering amongs the nominees and does not deserve to be there. Jackass 2 was (on soooo many levels) a far superior film. LMS can eat my ass with its middling ironical sincerity and literary name-dropping. Ugh. I'm not talking about that fucking movie ever again. It gives me fits.
Watch out for Clint Eastwood! You didn't mention the movie no one saw.
I'm 100% with you on the departed, it is so so so far from groundbreaking. And I think you were a smidgen too harsh on LMS, i think it's find for those movies to get made, they're family flicks that make people warm and fuzzy....the problem is when peopel try to make it seem like they are something more than this, like by giving them an Academy Aware nom.
This is great.
I love Oscar the grouch.
Why must bloggers always use coarse language? Beats me, but nonetheless, your comments are refreshing. The suggested working title for "Last King of Scotland," is particularly good, and I did NOT care for that movie overall. Nor did I think LMS to be any kind of groundbreaking item. While the little routine at the end was a mildly amusing surprise, I never quite understood why the family had been branded "dysfunctional" in the advertising--they seemed perfectly normal to me, in fact perhaps too normal to be interesting, and the "car jokes" on the VW bus were particularly annoying to any adult. The one item I must disagree on is the quality of "The Departed." I'm not a big Scorsese fan because I am generally unable to watch so much of his movies due to an aversion to violence, but I found myself completely transported into the world that was created, and that, after all, is my criterion. Boston, it apparently ain't all Beacon Hill.
Blogger's must use coarse language simply because we can. It's a style that distinguishes us from mainstream, non-profane writing.
I agree with Sonya and "Anonymous" on LMS. nice little flick, but so many are. unfortunately, haven't been able to see any of the others, save dreamgirls, which i thought was ok. eddie murphy made it enjoyable for those moments he was on screen. anyway, will oscar be submitting his picks for this year's game?
Aha! It looks like your mom's comment was right on. That's why boys respect a smart mom's advice (right?).
"profanity is the crutch of the conversational cripple"
-oscar wilde
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