Hip Hop 101 for Baby Boomers

Episode 2: All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth

I don't generally like body decoration. I don't wear jewelry or fancy watches. I haven't gotten any tattoos or piercings. The only piece of aesthtetic prosthetic I've ever truly coveted is the huge diamond studded gold or platinum grills that have become the dental apliance of choice amongst America's most famous hip-hop superstars.

The grill is a great example of one of hip-hop's most endearing qualities, it's unabashed embrace of grandiosity. Today's blingdiculous grills are a classic example of hip-hop culture indulging in Bowie-esque levels of conspicuous self-indulgence. Back in the day, Slick Rick got by with just a gold tooth. Now a days you have to have all your freaking teeth ripped out and replaced with platinum and diamond studded jewelry just in order to be taking seriously in the rap game. A grill makes the resume obsolete. Who gives a shit who you are and what battles you've won or what the fuck you say for that matter? Rap about whatever the fuck you want. Your mouth is made of diamonds. You don't have to prove anything to anybody.

The best place to get grills these days is DJ Paul Wall's TV Jewelry in Houston. His grill makes me ashamed of my own teeth. When he smiles, I quiver with dental hygenic existential angst. Why floss? Why get those stupid whitening strips? You're never going to be able shine like that.

Here's Paul Wall with Z-Ro and Lil Flip on a screwy and choppy song about being southern and brushing your teeth with Windex: Update: So that's how they keep them clean! Mike Jones reveals the secret to grill hygeine: