What's the matter with Woody?

Suckers! Oh, my god. What fools you all were in the late 70's. This. Will. Never. Happen. Again. Sure, we've got tons of comic geniuses these days. We even let a few of them make movies. Some of those movies are pretty good. But never, ever, ever again will we tolerate a not-bad-but-nowhere-near-the-best stand-up comedian pump out not-bad-but-not-really-good-or-funny movies at the absurd rate of 1 every 12-18 months. I think in countries like Singapore, there are actual laws against this kind of behavior. Sorry, Mom, and the rest of the boomers who chuckled at this clunker, but Melinda and Melinda sucked! But I'm not allowed to say that, of course, because according the Allenian Theory of Relativity, all I'm allowed to say was, well, at least it was better than the last one. And fuck you, Woody, if you think I'm just another unsophisticated American who wishes you'd just recycle your old hits and dress up like a sperm again for laughs. You're the one who's cannibalizing yourself. In M+M, I saw scenes from Annie Hall¹, Crimes and Misdemeanors², Broadway Danny Rose³, Deconstructing Harry⁴, Celebrity⁵ and the scene in the recording studio felt lifted from Nashville AND Five Easy Pieces (two movies which, admittedly, Woody didn't write or direct. But c'mon, man! Leave the plagiarism to kids like P.T. Anderson). What I want, Woody, is for you to get your face out of Soon-Yi's crotch for five fucking minutes and have a look around at the world again before you die. The world is kuh-razy these days. We've got video games and rappers and gay people and fancy computers hooked together in this global network called the information superhighway. Why oh why must you insist on portraying the world as populated by white, upper-class artistic types who have affairs with one another and occassionally babble pseudo-existential insights that would get any sophomore phil major a fatty "F" for lack of effort.

And before you drop a "but-I-thought-you-liked-Woody-Allen" comment in my box, let me state for the record that I love fucking Woody Allen. But this pathetic excuse for a filmmaker needs tough love right now. This isn't the fashionable "Woody Allen sucks...again" review from some asshole philistine that never like Woody Allen anyway. I think Woody's a great filmmaker. I think he's a great actor. I'm going to write that twice so people know I mean it. I think Woody Allen's a great actor. I've seen Shadows and Fog like, 5 fucking times! My street cred is impeccable when it comes to Woody. I just think the man needs a vacation, a religious conversion, a stint in prison, whatever it takes to knock him out of his rut and turn him back into the genius we know, love, and desperately, desperately need right now.


1. When Will Farell's trying to screw his wife, Shalom Harlow Amanda Peet, he practically breaks out into "while they'll be out there discussing alienation, we'll be in here quietly humping".

2. Will Farell's scenes with his wife trying to hook Melinda up with a rich dentist reeked of Woody and his wife hanging out with Alan Alda's rich TV producer. Plus the "turbulent parts" of Bartok theme is lifted directly from Martin Landau teaching Anjelica Houston about the difference between Shubert and Schumann.

3. The whole "lemme tellya a story" framing device with Wallace Shawn is not just a cruel and vapid parody of "My Dinner With Andre" but also a crappy version of the great Carnegie Deli scenes in Broadway Danny Rose.

4. When Melinda goes to confront - god, I can't believe he's making me type this ridiculous name - Ellis Moonsong, he rocks the same crazy-lady jump cuts he used with Judy Davis.

5. Melinda and Will Farrell are at the track and she's telling him how much sexual stimulation she needs. The shot is straight out of Celebrity with Kenneth Branagh (as Woody) and Charlize Theron. I swore to god if she mentions the words "polymorphously perverse" (a rip from Annie Hall which he stuck into Celebrity) I was going to walk out. She didn't, but I'd bet anything there's a draft of the script somewhere with the phrase left in.